Listen To Your Heart
by Darkira
Summary: Jasper and Edward have been together for nearly six years. Two days before their anniversary, at Jasper's birthday party at a club, something happens and Jasper's worst fears come true. Can Edward fix what he's broken? AH/AU/E&J, Lemons
1. Love Falls Apart

**AN: This is my first shot at writing fic for the public eye. :) So please, feedback, anyone? I'm also hoping to get enough feedback and words of encouragement to keep me going and writing the rest of this story. I think they need to explain themselves further...at least I feel like they're nagging me for leaving this so open..**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight-related, the characters are all owned by SM. The words are mine.**

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**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 1**

**Love Falls Apart**

_I know there's something in the wake of your smile.  
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.  
You've built a love but that love falls apart.  
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark. _

_-Listen To Your Heart by Roxette-_

**JPOV**

I wasn't a kid anymore. I was a grown man. Going steadily towards my 25th birthday. It wasn't easy, being the adult when you were with someone who could act like a child when things got rough... And gods could Edward do that... As smart, as intelligent and educated as he was I couldn't believe the naive things he could say or do to get to my nerves. So we had been together for years now, two days after my birthday it would be six whole years of being Us instead of two Mes. Yet it didn't come naturally to him, it did to me because I was more of a couple-type of person. I was happiest when I was a part of a couple and I knew that was sad and pathetic but also true.

He...well he was and is more independent. Edward gets lost in his work a lot. He gets lost in the way other men look at him when we go to party. He doesn't actually cheat on me, not after the one time when I caught him red handed, kissing someone else... No, the other man wasn't anyone special, maybe that was why it hurt me so. I would get it, almost, if he would cheat on me with someone he had real feelings for but it's never been like that. "I have eyes for only you, Jasper, you know that." That is what he always says. And I belive him, most of the time.

But when you've known someone since your early teens and been with them since you were nineteen it pretty much made you know the person inside and out. I knew what kind of a man Edward Masen was. I knew he was passionate and loving and loyal to me. Hardworking professionally and a good friend to the few true friends he had. But I also knew he was fickle. He loved attention, there was a slight vanity behind his dark green eyes that I hated sometimes. So maybe I was the pretty one, so to speak, he was the ruggedly handsome one now that he was older and usually had a bit of stubble on his chin. I was the one with the more soft features and the dirty blonde curls which he called my halo.

Sadly I knew, I fretted, that the day would come when I wouldn't be enough. That was why I had saved money on a secret bank account. I needed to have a nest egg if he cheated on me or kicked me out of our home. I needed security. I needed a back up plan. I knew the day would come, no matter how hard I tried to deny it...one day he'd get tired of me, the less intelligent, less manly, less everything Jasper. And I'd be prepared. Or so I thought...

**EPOV**

We'd been together for five years, our six year anniversary was just around the corner. I still remember the day we were finally officially a couple. It had been after Jasper's nineteenth birthday, the party of which had been the first time we had kissed for real instead of the stolen kisses when nobody was looking and we were both drunk to boot or pretending to be. Our friends were the same, our families had lived in the same neighborhood since we were kids...it wasn't easy to fall for someone who had been just another mate for most of your life.

But we did, fall for each other. It was at his birthday party in the garden of his parents' house where we finally gave in to the desire for real. We had been dancing and drinking a bit, the whole group of friends we had that were close to us. Bella was there, and Emmett, Alice, Rosalie, Jacob...all the people important to use who were from the same neighborhood. Truth or dare...so classic it still makes me laugh when I think about it. It was the kind old friends play, people who know about everything about each other. A kissing game. There were loud hoots when the girls had to kiss each other, but then I spun the bottle and it pointed to Jasper.

We kissed, to the surprise of everyone else. It was nothing compared the surprisement when the kiss didn't end after a second or two. Finally my sister Alice coughed and we returned to earth and to the blood pooling to our cheeks and to our groins. Two nights later I gathered enough courage to ask him to be mine. From that night on it was me and Jasper. Our friends and families just wanted us to be happy so if you didn't count the teasing we got from the guys everything was just fine.

I loved him. I love him. He's my everything. But that tends to slip my mind when someone looks at me in a certain way in a bar or a club. I can't help it. Some say that if you love your partner he or she is all you need. That's true, but it's in my nature to have wandering eyes and if someone's eyes wander to mine... It's no excuse, to be like this. I never cheat on Jasper, I never can, but the looks hurt him too. Maybe even worse than any actions could. He knows part of me wants to, he knows I'm not going to do anything. At least I hope he knows that...

**JPOV**

My birthday party, the old gang was with us, we went to a gay club which was a hoot because the straight guys we had with us were extremely uncomfortable about it until they had a few drinks in. Even Emmett was dancing after a few shots of tequila. We were having fun, I had gotten presents I wouldn't have accepted if I didn't have to like a trip to England from Edward and out parents, of course the tickets were for both of us but it still made me feel slightly uncomfortable when someone invested so much money in me.

The others had gotten me things they knew I'd like that just showed how well our friends knew me. They also knew Edward, so when we were dancing and he excused himself to go to the restroom, I saw Alice watching after her brother a bit worriedly. I decided not to care. Jake asked me to dance with him when some stranger tried to snatch me when he saw Edward leave my side and I was relieved. Besides I liked Jake, he was a good mate who wanted what was best for us.

When Edward didn't return in the suitable time I decided to go after him. Emmett was right after me when he saw what I was doing. He was my oldest friend and he knew Edward as well...even Emmett was worried. It hurt and it felt good at the same time. To know they were thinking about the same thing I was and that they knew how I'd react, what would ensue, if he'd do something stupid on my birthday.

**EPOV**

We were clubbing for Jasper's birthday. Drinking a bit, not too much. I was planning on getting home remotely early and fucking my lover silly for his birthday. I was prepared to do things we didn't do anymore, things that I knew would drive him wild and I'd do them for him because it was a special occasion. No, our sexlife was not boring or had our passion for each other faded over time but it was still not the same than it had been in the first few years. That happens in every long relationship and us being the age we were, him 25 and me 27, it was pretty long time we had been together.

I excused myself to go to the mensroom and I could feel at least one set of eyes on my back. I was drunk but not that drunk and I have never cheated on Jasper, so why would I do that now, on his birthday of all days of our six years together?? It made me mad, to have so little faith from my friends and my loved ones... It hurt as well. Maybe that was why my guards were down that moment..

I walked through the club, running my fingers through my already tousled bronze hair and shook my head while I walked. I had to stop at the edge of the crowd because some bigger group of people were just entering the club and trying to circle the crowd to get to the other side instead of going through like I just had. That was when someone tapped on my shoulder. I turned around and a huge grin spread to my face. It was Paul! My first crush, a friend of Jake's as well and I hadn't seen him in years. "Edward!" he exclaimed and hugged me tightly and I hugged him back. He was drunk, more than I was, I could tell. "Paul, oh my god, I didn't know you were back in town!" I spoke to his ear and he explained it to me, he was on holiday and visiting his folks and so on. "Hey I was going to the restroom, need to take a leak. Don't go anywhere!" I told him and he nodded.

I was in the surprisingly empty mensroom, washing my hands when I heard the door. There were multiple mensrooms around the sides of the club so that explained why it was quietin this one. I looked through the mirror and saw Paul enter the room. I knew that look... Before I could react other than to turn around, he hadn't asked me if I was still with Jasper nor did he seem to care, he was kissing me. He was my first crush. That's my only excuse. Maybe if this had happened years before, when we were still teenagers, maybe I wouldn't be with Jasper now but with Paul, who knew. But I was with Jasper and that fact was wiped away from my mind when the gorgeous, muscular body was suddenly pressed against mine, his lips against mine, his tongue in my mouth I had opened for him to kiss... Then suddenly there was a wail, that's the best way I could describe it, and my eyes flew open and I realised what I was doing, what Paul was doing, what we were doing and pushed him away only to see familiar green eyes staring at me in horror from the mensroom door.

**JPOV**

I entered the mensroom with Emmett on my flank when my worst nightmare was suddenly unfolding in front my shocked eyes. There was a sound coming from my slightly open mouth suddenly. That seemed to shake him in to reality, what he was doing, I would have known the tattoo on the other guy's neck anywhere. It was Paul, Edward's first crush whom I knew he never had the change to get to know intimately. Maybe this was the chance he had been waiting for? Maybe they had planned this? Who knew how long this had been going on? Edward, with his tongue in Paul's mouth...the image was burned to the back of my mind and Emmett moved so I could get past him. The last thing I registered was Emmett growling. "Don't you dare go near him again!!" as he was holding Edward back so that he couldn't come after me.

The rest of the gang was there now too, outside the mensroom and they saw something was wrong. It was easy, tears were running through my face. Alice looked like she had seen a ghost of betraying brother's past or something. She ran in to the mensroom, not caring about who was there and I could hear her chiming voice "What did you do?? What the hell did you do??" even over the music. It was Bella who took me home. The home I had built for myself and Edward. The home we had built for years.

I collapsed to bed, a crying mess of a man. Everything I had believed in was true. I was never enough. It had always been Paul, hadn't it? I was just a substitute that devoted himself to Edward when he couldn't have the man he really wanted. Bella stayed with me until I fell in to a restless sleep holding the last pieces of my broken heart.

**EPOV**

I tried to storm after Jasper but Emmett held me back. I'm not a small man or weak, but Em is a brick wall...and then my sister was there, her high chiming voice saying words I knew were coming eventually. I wanted to go home, to explain the unexplainable, to salvage what there was to salvage... I had built a relationship with him for six years and now I had ruined it. I should have known better, I should have pushed Paul away...

Why was it all ruined so easily? Surely gay men were doing this stuff and worse more or less openly all the time? Why did I know we were finished? Because it was my second strike. Jasper gave people one free pass for everything. The second time they crossed him, betrayed his trust, it was over. What ever sort of relationship it had been, it was over. I had seen it happening over and over again, I knew we were through. We also had a rule. Look but don't touch. The rule was there for me. Jasper didn't need it, I knew that. He truly had eyes for only me. In this situation it just made me feel worse to be saying that myself and then doing something like this... I felt like shit, which I deserved. Alice took me to her place. Emmett told me to not go home until invited or else... The others, they just looked totally and utterly disappointed in me.

It didn't truly hit me until the next morning. I woke up, startled because my body had realised I wasn't in my own bed. I reached blindly to my left and instead of Jasper my had touched a wall. It made me open my eyes and realise three things: firstly, I had a splitting headache because I has hung over, secondly, I was at Alice's, sleeping in her den in her spare bed and thirdly, I had done something irreversible. I had ruined everything. I darted up from the bed, managed to get to the bathroom just in time. I spent half an hour hugging the toilet. Very little of my dry heaving in the end had to do with the alcohol from the previous night.

**JPOV**

I woke up, I felt drained. No hangover, just quiet determination. I got out of bed, already shutting the parts of myself that had anything to do with Edw..him, off. I showered, packed my things including most of my autumn clothing (I would get more warm clothes for the winter and then go from there), my favorite books (I settled for five books and that was absolutely the maximum amount I would be able to carry), the photos of my family (leaving all that had him in them, including my favorite picture from our 5 year anniversary, it had me and him, our gang of friends and both our parents in it), a few cds and my laptop. Everything else I left.

Bella watched me move around, I must have looked like a robot. She never spoke or asked a thing, just stood there, somehow strangely keeping me going with her friendship. I appreciated her silent support. She seemed like an anchor to reality. "Would you drive me to a hotel?" I asked in a raspy voice and she nodded. She waited for me to check in to the hotel and told me to call her if I needed her and I promised to do so, mechanically, not with real emotion and I hated the worry in her eyes but she knew better than to mention it.

I had plans. I could do this. When I got to my room and place my suitcases down, I stood in the middle of the little room for a moment. Then my body began to sway gradually. When the tears began to mess with my vision I gave up and collapsed to the floor and stayed down.

**EPOV**

That afternoon I got a text message form Jasper. _"You're free to go home. I won't be there."_ It floored me. Something about the message froze something in me. Like someone poured liquid nitrogen over me. Even when we were fighting he was wordy. He needed to explain things with words. This message was short, to the point. Scary. Instantly I knew he wasn't coming back. I also knew he had had a plan, if this would happen. My Jasper wasn't an organizer, he was the one who hurried to get things done and never had a long term plan. He couldn't pull up something like this unless he had planned it as back up. When this would happen. _When_ _this would happen_. It made me feel even more like the scumbag I was. My love, my reason for living, the light of my life...my green eyed angel...he had felt like he needed to have a back up plan when I would end up doing something stupid?

How do you go on from that? You don't, especially when you go home and realise they really are gone with no trace of you with them... I went to our bed and closed my eyes, hoping I'd never wake up again.


	2. Nothing Is What It Seems

_AN: Thanks for the reviews, they really prompted me to write faster than I thought and the boys are oh so chatty in my head right now. You might get even more soon... Thanks for all the love and I hope you enjoy this one as well._

_Disclaimer: All things Twilight are owned by SM. Not me. Sadly._

**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 2**

**Nothing Is What It Seems**

_Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.  
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.  
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems,  
the feeling of belonging to your dreams. _

_- Listen To Your Heart by Roxette -_

**JPOV**

I woke up, eventually. Dragged myself to lay on the bed, eventually. I managed to text _him_ that he was free to go home, I wouldn't be there. Then I texted Bella, telling her that I needed time, that she should tell our friends not to worry and that I didn't want to see anyone and would inform when I finally did.

The strangeness of this all... Of course I had envisioned this to happen. No matter the love and devotion we shared, the fiery passion we had always had to each other, I had _known_ that he would stray. Not because he was a bad man. Edw...he was a good man, good at his job as a pediatrician, he volunteered in multiple places because he wanted to make the world a bit better if he could, that's what he always said. He was a great friend as well, I remember him carrying Bella around when she had a broken ankle and we were all at our annual summer picnic-weekend (yes, our picnic lasted for the whole weekend). Of course he took turns with Emmett and Jake, but he insisted on being the main help of Bella just because he was the "only doctor here". I didn't carry her, even if she's my designated hag, because I'm almost as clumsy as she is and everyone agreed that it wasn't the best idea for me to carry her.

He bailed Jake out of jail when he did get his stupid on one night while drunk. He helped Emmett with planning a surprise for his then girlfriend Angela's birthday. In general he was the one in our gang whom the others called when they needed someone to talk to, to help them with something and they knew they could count on him. They knew that, and they knew what I knew. He was vain, under the surface there was a need in him, the need to be the center of attention and the need to feel wanted. Our friends looked past that, as long as he was good to me, because they loved me as well.

None of our friends, even his sister Alice, spoke to him in two weeks after the first mishap. Bella called and came over to visit me, but acted like he didn't exist. Emmett cancelled his plans, through me, to go to the game with Edw..him. Rosie needed to go on a business trip when she was supposed to come over for a dinner. Jake was needed at his dad's house when we had plans with him. They shut him out. And he learned. He apologized to each of them personally. He didn't give up until each and every one of them knew he was sorry, for all the pain he had caused to them and me. They forgave him. I overheard Em tell him that if he'd ever pull a stunt like that again, Em would pull a Jasper. It made me smile, Em was the most forgiving person I knew but he was ready to do what I did. One strike, there wouldn't be a second one.

That thought made me move from the spot I was laying on the bed. I reached for my cell and found Em's number.

_"Jas? How are you? Bells called.." _ he said as soon as I could hear the click when the call connected.

"Emmett, listen, okay?" I managed with my raspy voice, it was clear I had been crying and I almost heard him nod as he went silent. "Can you do me a favor? This is major, huge favor which I'll repay you. And don't say you'd do anything, because this is the last thing you'd want to do right now." I told him when I heard him inhale like he was going to speak. He exhaled, I could hear that, and the whirring from his head and then he figured it out.

_"Jas no..."_ he said and his tone was slightly offended and desperate and somehow already given up. He knew he'd do this for me. Not for _him_.

"Please, Emmett, go to him. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Just sit in the corner or something. Just make sure he won't hurt himself. I know what you said," I said in the tone that in a phone conversation equaled me holding my finger up in a normal conversation, "but don't pull a Jasper with him. Not now. You know I can't call anyone else and you know I need this." I told him. I could hear him sigh and think and then:

_"Ok Jas. Can I punch him? Just once, a little bit?"_ he asked and I managed a short chuckle.

"Sure Em, you can punch him. I'll talk to you later. Love you." I ended the conversation and muted my phone.

I think I mentioned Edw...him, being childish and immature when things got rough? This was one of those moments that side of him would pop out. The last time this happened, Jake found him from our bathroom floor, sitting there with a razorblade in his hand staring at his wrist. If he had wanted to die he had been dead by then because he was a doctor after all, he knew how to off himself if he wanted to, or so Jake said. I knew he was right but it made things worse this time. This time he would be in more pain. This time he knew there was no going back. I remember scolding him, telling him that no matter what he did, he couldn't take the coward's way out of things. That no matter how we both were hurting, I would rather live in a world where he was as well, even if we weren't together. I forgave him, that once, partially because I was spooked by his thoughts of taking his own life. It had made me realise I needed him more than I thought. But this time...this time he had already had his first strike.

**EPOV**

I don't know how long I laid there. Now I knew what Jasper had meant the first time this had happened when he said that his heart was torn out of his chest, chopped in to pieces, put together again a bit hastily and stuffed back in but the pieces didn't fit completely. They would never ever fit completely again. Never.

The pain I felt was physical by now. A steady, hard ache in my chest. I knew I looked like a royal mess but I didn't care because there was no one there to see me. Even my sister had, despite of providing me with a bed for the night, stopped speaking to me. I knew everyone else would follow suit. Not only had I lost the love of my existense, I had lost all our friends. Because they knew I was wrong. They had known I'd do this again just like Jasper had. Nobody texted me, nobody called me. Nobody checked up on me.

Not until there was a knock on the door which I didn't register at first. Then a rustling of a key when the door was unlocked. It wouldn't be Jasper, the only other people with out key were Alice and Emmett. I could hear the familiar heavy boots stepping in and being kicked off his massive feet and then he shuffled to the bedroom door. "At least you're breathing and not trying to slice yourself in to pieces." he said. The words made me wince. It wasn't my proudest moment. I knew that Jasper had sent him. "Barely." I said and he sighed, walking in to the kitchen and I could hear him working on making coffee and probably some sandwiches. Em loved to eat and he thought that food and coffee cured everything. He was partially right, caffeine and getting your blood sugar up helped you feel better no matter what.

I fell back to my thoughts while he worked in the kitchen. Memories were popping out in my mind. Not happy ones, none of these memories were happy ones. A day in the beach, we were sunbathing, on a holiday in Italy two years ago. I was darker than Jas so he got more attention there, which of course amused him greatly. Jasper was gorgeous, maybe an inch taller than my 6'1" and he had a naturally sinewy, not too muscular build that seemed to attract everyone around us, no matter their gender. I knew I had a swimmer's build, I had more defined muscles all over my body but here it didn't matter, here it was Jas who got the looks and the admiration because I was darker, I was more what they were used to here. Even if my hair was sort of strange bronze color, he was the angel. In fact many people were referring him as such from what I heard. It just made Jasper shake his head and blush lightly.

My Jasper. The modest one. The one who never quite understood why people would be interested in him as he was nothing special, not to himself. It was funny, now that I think about it, how we both ended up working with kids, he was a kindergarten teacher and I was a pediatrician. We had spoken about having kids someday, but it wasn't something we wanted to rush because we were both working so hard, building the home we had, making sure we could afford to have the children when we were ready.

Jas was so gentle and kind. Somehow perfect to balance my temper. He had the silent determination in him, even if he was bad at making decisions and planning, both of which I excelled at, he was... My body shook with silent tears suddenly. That was when Emmett came back. "I'm supposed to look after you, so I'm doing it. Get up, go take a shower and then come to eat and have coffee. And leave the bathroom door open." he said in a 'don't-you-dare-argue-with-me'-tone. I knew why he insisted on me leaving the door open. I blushed because I was ashamed. It hadn't even crossed my mind this time. Yet.

I also knew Emmett so well that I didn't argue but did as I was told. I needed to get out of bed, do these things, if I wanted to make things even remotely right. I needed all my strength and all my courage, which I had none right now, if I wanted to get my life back. In one day I had managed to make my carefully built house of cards fall down. It had taken six years to build it but only a few minutes to ruin it all. I got up, went to the shower and tried to actually get the showering done instead of just standing there. The times we had had in this shower... I could picture the wet blonde curls as he nipped his way down my front to pleasure me... He had talent with it, reading me, giving me pleasure like nobody else.. Suddenly I snapped out of it. I realised I wasn't aroused at all. All it usually took was to picture him, whispering my name in that heated tone of his while we were making love and I was hard already. Now? I realised I didn't feel worthy of those memories, I didn't feel worthy of getting hard on them.

I felt resigned when I got out of the shower and went to get dressed. This was bad if my body was making decisions for me. My subconscious was probably trying to kill me. Of course I knew I deserved every bit of it, every lousy detail, every pang of pain no matter how breathless they made me. For causing my angel pain...I deserved all that was coming to me. Including what would happen as soon as I walked in to the kitchen. I had no time to prepare, Emmett's huge fist came flying towards me and I didn't have even time to duck. It connected with my jaw, my head flew back and my balance failed me and I fell backwards on the floor, stunned, in physical pain, my eyes wide in shock. And then I understood. So I sat there, rubbing my jaw, tears from the pain in my eyes because he hadn't held back more than not to break my jaw, and looked at him. "He said I could do that." Emmett commented as he stretched a hand to me to help me up. I took it, got up and sat down to a chair. "Better you than Rosie I suppose." I mumbled which made Em chuckle, yeah, Rosie was a black belt.

"I don't know where he is. A hotel somewhere, Bella took him there. He seems to have some sort of a plan." Emmett began to talk knowing I had questions but I had no guts to ask them and immediately I felt grateful for the man who had just punched the hell out of me...ironic much? I just nodded, taking a sip of my coffee and staring at the plate of sandwiches in the middle of the table. "He doesn't want to be contacted, he will when he feels up to it." he said and then after another moment of silence: "Edward, you really screwed up this time. And Paul of all people? I mean I'm straight and all but even I know you couldn't have screwed up worse than to do that with your first crush. Honestly, man." he sighed and poured himself another mug of coffee. "I know... I need to try to figure out how to make this right. _If _I can make it right." I said and a tear rolled down my cheek. "Emmett...help me make sure that Jas will be okay one day? Even if he never forgives me, help me make sure he can move on, that he is able to heal from this?" I asked in what came out as a whisper instead of proper words and Emmett reached a hand over the table to place it on top of mine. "I can't do that. That's your job, Edward. You need to figure this out by yourself because you owe it to him. You owe that to yourself too. I'll be there on the sidelines when you need me but I won't help you. I won't get in the middle of this because he would never want me to." he said and I knew he was right. I nodded, resigned but grateful and grabbed a sandwich when he poked the plate towards me.

**JPOV**

It wasn't very surprising that my anxiety grew stronger the further the evening progressed. The darkness fell outside the window of my hotel room and I could feel it sinking in to me too. Somehow it felt like when he was gone, the darkness was heavier somehow, it came faster and was more impenetrable. I knew I needed company. Bella was an option but her motherly ways would just make me feel worse. Alice was his sister so I couldn't... Rosie was an option, but when I figured out what day it was (how could it have been only yesterday when my world fell apart when it felt like eternity already??) I remembered that she would have to leave early tomorrow morning to a business trip. Besides Rosie was pretty aggressive and I didn't need that right now. Em was with..him. So it left me Jake. Who would have probably been my number one option anyway. I texted him, telling him where I was and which room was mine and he texted back that he'd be here as soon as he could. Jake was the loyal pet, our dog like the girls said. He was the ever so loyal, gentle and firm creature, someone who never faltered from his views, he was easygoing and he ended up being the shoulder for the rest of us when we needed one. He never needed one himself because...well I never knew why, actually. But he never seemed to have "relationshit" going on, his word, not mine.

Maybe half an hour later there was a knock on my door and there was Jake. He was my height, his build between Em and _him_ and gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. He was probably one of the most gorgeous guys I had met and just seeing him there somehow distracted me from the pain. Funny thing was, he knew this and it made him grin wider. "Allright then, I thought you probably haven't had anything to eat so I brough some take away." he said, lifting a McD-bag. "A healthy choice." I agreed and my stomach growled like some animal. He walked in and placed the bag to a table before kicking his biker boots off and hanging his leather jacket to the coat rack by the door. "You know I never knew how much difference it makes to have someone handsome to look at when you feel down." I told him while taking all the goodies from the bag. He knew I was playing, that I wasn't flirting for real because this was how we always had interacted, flirting and playing these games when we were in private, just the two of us.

"Oh I know, in an hour you'll try to empty the minibar in to me and take advantage of my drunken occasional bisexuality..." he said and chuckled before he sat down and grabbed his part of the food. He had brought me a chicken hamburger, which I loved and a Fanta which was another of my favorites. "Aww...you're so thoughtful. Why did I never try to hit on you?" I asked because he had been so thoughtful, for real, I knew even Edw..he forgot what I wanted to eat occasionally when he decided to bring home some fast food. "What, you are actually claim that you've never hit on me?" he chuckled after swallowing the first bite of his BigMac. "Jeez, Jazz, that's like..." he just shook his head and laughed and I had to laugh with him. I knew he'd stay with me until he would have to go to work on Monday. He'd stay and take care of me because he was someone fiercely loyal and loving. Why I never truly hit on him when there was the obvious chemistry between us and he was "occasionally bisexual" like he liked to put it? It was because I was always with Edw...him. We were too young six years ago, Jake is a year younger than I am, and he was very straight until he turned twenty two and ended up leaving a club we were partying at with a guy he fancied for some reason. After that night he told everyone that he wouldn't say no again if someone came on to him and he fancied the guy. That he had "opened his eyes" or something on those lines.

We ate in silence, both in our thoughts. When he was done he leaned back in the chair and ran his fingers through his short and spikey black hair. I couldn't help but to look at the muscles move on his arm. "You should sit still and not move at all." I pointed out and he chuckled. "I can't help my genes." he just retorted and then got up to go slump on the double bed and took the remote from the bedside table before flicking the tv on. I ate the rest of my food, realising I felt better after it, I guess Emmett was right about that. I cleaned up and realised I must have been a royal mess. "I think I'll grab a shower. I feel nasty." I said and Jake nodded, his eyes fixed on the tv. "If you need me to wash your back, just give me a holler." he grinned, which just made me chuckle and shake my head when I went to the bathroom. I felt better, more like myself with the pain just throbbing in the background, when I got out of the shower again.

I dried myself and took another towel to wrap around my hips. Then I walked out of the bathroom and to my suitcase. I hadn't unpacked anything yet, I wasn't going to really, but I needed to change. "Need help or am I to sit here and watch and hope for a spontaneous strip tease?" Jacob asked when I had trouble with getting the suitcase open with one hand as the other was keeping the towel in place. "Yes, please.." I sighed finally and he got off the bed and opened both my suitcases for me. I grabbed a pair of pajama pants and boxers and grabbed my old wife-beater. "Thanks." I said and retreated to the bathroom to get dressed. I came back after trying to get most of the water out of my hair. It was a bitch to dry the thick curls. I had a comb in my hand and when I sat at the end of the bed, Jake moved and took the comb from my hand. "Let me do that." he said and handed the remote to me and I started to surf the channels while he attacked the mess that was called my hair. "Now this is why mine is short." he said after a while. I was practically purring by then because it was soothing and when I was upset I usually needed some human contact to feel better again. It wasn't this easy and I knew it but it was needed. "Thanks, Jake." I just said and he nodded, I could see it from the corner of my eye. Then he continued to work with my hair and when it was done, he began to massage my scalp with his fingertips and I actually moaned at the sensation. "Oh shush, otherwise I'll have to stop." he said and I could tell why from his tone. Uh oh.

_Additional AN: Of course I had to leave it at that... D'oh. ^^_


	3. Voices That Want To Be Heard

AN: Ok, this one came out pretty fast because of some things prompted by the responses I've gotten from you people. So thanks and keep them coming. And yes, there will be more soon. :)

Also, if there are a lot of strange phrases and stuffs, don't point them out, instead offer to be my beta and work to get rid of them and my spelling errors together. English isn't my first language so it can show here and there and I'm slightly blind to my own test like everyone else is so...yeah. Sorry about that.

Disclaimer: Still don't own Twilight or anything related to it. That Stephenie is one lucky and talented gal.

**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 3**

**Voices That Want To Be Heard**

_And there are voices  
that want to be heard.  
So much to mention  
but you can't find the words.  
The scent of magic,  
the beauty that's been  
when love was wilder than the wind._

_- Listen To Your Heart by Roxette -_

**EPOV**

We talked a lot that night, Emmett and I. About why I did what I had done, how everyone had known that I'd slip eventually, how I was certain Jasper would never forgive me, how Emmett hoped our friends would stay our friends no matter what would happen and so on. We sat on the couch Jasper had picked five years ago when we moved to this flat and talked for hours. I tried to figure out a way to explain myself, to make sense of what I had done and why because it made no sense for even me. "I know Paul was my first crush, the guy that made me realise I wanted guys as well. So what if I never had kissed him before last night...that shouldn't be enough of a reason to go do it on Jas' birthday of all days... Not that it matters, right? What's done is done, no matter what day it happened on. The fact that Paul is gay and open about it now and happened to be there means nothing because well I wasn't open about my sexuality back then either, right?" I kept talking like this, one random sentence after the other and never really pausing to wait for Em's answers to my questions that had none. "Why do I feel like I have to get the looks from other men as well? What is it about me that makes me crave the attention when I get all I want at home? It makes no sense to even me!" I exclaimed and jumped up to pace around the room.

"I know some guys cheat because they are taken for granted at home. Jas would never do that to me, ever. He has never once taken me for granted and...maybe I took him for granted instead... Because if I hadn't, maybe I would have never kissed that first guy, let alone Paul... If I really had all I need at home, why the hell would I make out with someone else? Jasper would never do that. I know he wouldn't. Yet I somehow justify it to myself, it wasn't like I forcing myself to stick my tongue in to Paul's mouth..." at this point Emmett cringed. What a pussy. "Oh come on, you've seen me and Jas doing all sorts of heavy petting..." I snorted and he looked disturbed for a moment, though it was for a show only. "Yeah, well that's normal, the image of you doing something with someone else than Jazz isn't." he pointed out, ouch. "You're right." I sighed and my shoulders slumped as I went to lean to the windowsill. "The problem is...you know I'm quite a lot older and smarter now, right? Than the last time. Maybe this is a reminder, I mean you know I believe that things happen for a reason." Emmett looked at me. "Not _that much _smarter..." and grinned a bit.

"You know what I mean. Maybe I needed a reminder, not to take him for granted and just...cherish him. Instead of doing these stupid things... I would never do it again. You know that, right?" I turned my eyes to him and he shrugged. "Honestly Edward, I don't know. You said so the last time. I know it was a long time ago. But...what if you're looking at this the wrong way?" he added the last sentence almost like an afterthought. I looked at him quizzically. "I mean you need the eyes on you, right? Why do you need them? I mean why do you need to feel like everyone wants you? Sure they can't _have _you, but you still need them to drool on you. So why? Why is it so important for you to have all the guys in a club drooling all over you, when you already have the hottest piece of ass going home with you anyway?" he asked me and I thought about it for a moment. Oh, and it wasn't Emmett's term, but mine. That's how I call Jasper when we go clubbing so no, Em isn't turning gay on my boyfriend. "I think I actually might have to call Mike for that." I suddenly told Emmett and he looked thoughtful. "I never thought I'd say this to anyone but yeah, man, you might need a shrink." and then he flashed me a huge Emmett-grin that I couldn't help but counter with my own.

We went to bed early, taking that it was a Saturday evening. Emmett slept on the couch which miraculously was big enough to fit him comfortably and I appreciated that he wanted to stay. He was worried, of course, but I know he didn't really think I'd slit my wrists or anything. He just wanted to be a good friend. When I laid in my bed alone the tears returned. I tried to picture my life without Jasper and all I could see was emptiness. There was nothing in life for me if I didn't have my Jasper beside me. One of the worst things truly was that I couldn't see him doing anything like this to me. There wasn't anyone that would make me feel insecure about my relationship with Jasper, I had never seen him so much as flirt with anyone else and I know what a flirt Jas can be. Oh, wait...actually... There's only one person I could see as a threat, even though their mutual flirting is done in a playful and friendly way. Because if it is so harmless, why do they stop when I walk in to the room? Why do they flirt in private instead of being open about it if there's no real emotion behind it? From that moment I couldn't think anything else than Jasper flirting with Jacob Black. Sure, Jake was a friend. He was bisexual but more in to women, but he was also gorgeous and funny and probably the first pick for someone like Jasper if he wasn't with me. And now he wasn't, was he? Of course even I wasn't that petty, to think he was already in Jake's arms but now I realised that one day he might be. That there just _might_ be someone there for him, someone better than me and all it took for Jasper to figure out that he could do better and...

**JPOV**

I woke up in the morning, too lazy to open my eyes. There was a muscular arm around me and a hard chest pressed to my back. For a moment I thought everything was fine. Then I opened my eyes and instead of the cream colored arm it should have been, it was the color of coffee with milk. For a moment I searched my mind for an answer and it all flooded back to me. I was sleeping next to Jake in a hotel room. His arm was around me because he had stayed the night as I had thought he would without asking just because he was a good friend. After he had brushed my hair and massaged my scalp we had thought it would be a good idea to just sit on the opposite sides of the bed without any physical contact so we wouldn't do anything stupid out of mutual desparation. I doubted I would have and so did he but we weren't ready to take any risks. When you were already broken or in need of intimacy, god knew we were both, it was easier to shut your mind off when it screamed at you that you had gone too far. Instead of being stupid we watched a silly comedy and then went to sleep. Or tried to. Jake laid on the other side of the bed and then when I got a flashback over a flashback and then some and began to cry again, he pulled me to his chest and held me. I calmed down instead of going to full blown panic attack mode like I was fearing it might. So I laid there, my back against his chest and gradually fell asleep.

I got out of the bed, sliding away from under his arm and looked back at him, smiling. He slept heavily, hadn't moved at all during the night it seemed and he looked peaceful. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and whatnot and found that my hair was actually manageable this morning. I was also ravenous. So I went back to the room and picked jeans and a tshirt out of my bags. When I looked out of the window I realised it was one of those crisp autumn days, not cold but cool enough so I grabbed a green hoodie that brought out the green in my eyes and then went to the bathroom to change. When I was back again, Jake was waking up and stretching on the bed. "Morning." I couldn't help but grin at the sight. He was lovely, I couldn't deny that, but I had my own lovely man at home. Or had had one and well it wasn't really my home anymore or my man anymore because he had chosen otherwise, but I wasn't ready for stupidity yet. Even in the form of Jacob Black. "I want to go out. Nice weather and I need fresh air and breakfast. Any takers?" I asked him and he nodded after yawning widely. "Allrighty, go wash up, there are new toothbrushes on the courtesy of the hotel." I told him and he rolled over the bed and then went to the bathroom as requested. He wasn't a big talker in the morning. On our annual picnic-weekends the girls would tease him about it, every year.

We went for a walk in the nearby park. Strolled along the paths, taking a turn left here and a turn right there and ended up just walking and talking for maybe an hour. I had the hood on my head and my hands were tucked in the pockets of my jeans. Jake looked like a small time crook with his biker boots and jacket and he laughed heartily when I told him so. "You know Jazz, I bet you two still love each other like madmen, right? You are thinking about this too deeply. I know it was Paul and in a way I'm sorry about that, no, let me speak," he said when I tried to stop him, "it was me who introduced them to each other way back then. If I hadn't then this wouldn't have happened. Given how Edward is it might have been someone else but who knows. At least it hadn't been Paul." he said and I just nodded with a little sigh. It had been someone else and I knew it. "But I think he got pissed off on Friday. At us all. We were all watching him like hawks and you know that. As soon as he said he needed to take a leak all of us looked at him with the 'don't you dare'-expressions on our faces. You know he doesn't take criticism well because he's a perfectionist. So put yourself in to his shoes. He has messed up once, years ago, right? And you forgave him, right? So even though his eyes wander, he has never done it before. Then one night, one that was supposed to be all about you and your party and love and friends, he is just innocently going to go to the mensroom. Everyone looks at him like he's going to go fuck the first guy he sees when he turns around. Wouldn't that piss you off?" Jake asked, glancing to me. "Wouldn't you go 'fuck it, I've paid my dues'?" I began to think about his words more as he continued. "Then he probably bumped in to Paul on his way to the mensroom. Knowing Paul, he must have followed him there because well...Paul is super hot and extremely narcissistic. He probably figured out that this was his chance to hook up with Edward if ever. They're both out, they haven't met in years and I bet Paul didn't even bother to ask him if he was with you or anyone else still." Jake said and stopped walking, turning to me.

"So if I'm right, if Edward was pissed off at not being trusted at all, then his first ever male crush comes on to him, most likely not giving him a chance to do anything... I do blame him for doing this to you, Jazzy, but it's not like I'm blaming him for acting according to his nature. We all do that sometimes, even you. If it's not about sex or chemistry between people then it's about something else." he said and stepped closer to me as if he was offering me some refuge against the revelation I'd have soon. "If you think about this from his point of view... He was pissed off. He let his guards down at the wrong moment when he saw someone from his past. He didn't do it on purpose and he probably didn't have time to do anything to stop it because according to Em who was there right after you, he did push Paul away and looked horrified when you got there. If I kissed you right now, out of the blue, wouldn't you kiss me back?" he asked, demonstrating this by lifting his fingers to stroke my cheek and leaned in a bit. He wasn't going to do it, I knew that, but just looking at him, when we had that chemistry between us it made me swallow hard. "Yes...I would." I agreed and then it hit me. "I broke our home just as he did, didn't I?" I asked in a muffled, horrified tone. "So what if what you saw was a big misunderstanding?" he asked in a gentle tone, still close to me and that was when I heard something, someone moving away from us when I had never realised anyone approaching.

**EPOV**

I woke up, my neck was stiff when it was every morning when I woke up already stressed. I remembered immediately and just went to shower and go on about my morning like the robot I was turning in to on the inside. I could push the pain and doubts and self accusations away, of course, but they'd stay there, buried in me and made me function with a bit of effort but I could function. I heard Emmett snoring in the livingroom and went quietly to make coffee and call Mike. He had gone to high school with us all, he had been Bella's first boyfriend and nearly a fiancé before they figured out they didn't want each other in the long run. Now he was a psychiatrist, a very good and respected one at that. He had written a couple of books and a lot of studies and you could say that out of the kids that had grown up in our home town he had gotten the fathest in his life. He also had a wife now and two kids as well. I got a hold of his assistant and she put me through immediately. "Hey Mike." I said, probably sounding less enthusiastic than the usual. "Edward, how are you man? Haven't spoken to you in aged. What can I do for you?" he asked, in his usual style knowing I wouldn't call like this if I didn't need something. "I think I need to see a shrink. Need to figure out some stuff. I did something bad and I'm afraid it has ruined me and Jasper and...Mike, I need help to figure out why I am like I am." I sighed, nearly sobbed and after a few comforting words he figured out a suitable person I should go see and we exchanged some pleasantries and he told me his family was fine and that mine would be too. I was ever so thankful when I hung up. I called to the shrink he had referred to me and made an appointment with the "I'm a friend of Dr. Newton's and he referred you.."-line to the next week. Her appointment-book was filled, but she would make time for me as a personal favor for Mike. God bless Mike, who knew the goofy nerd would become someone respected in a field I had little knowledge of even though I was a doctor myself.

I hung out with my breakfast until my guest woke up. He stumbled in to kitchen in his usual 'graceful as an elephant' morning-style. "How do you feel?" were the first words he uttered after getting a sip of coffee in to his motor. "I'm...cautiously slightly hopeful. Called Mike and he referred a shrink. I'll have an appointment on Thursday." I said and managed a grin. Emmett grinned back and patted me on the back. "That's awesome, I'm glad. At least you're trying to do something and not just moping around." he said and then went to abuse my stove to make himself something to eat. "I think I'll go for a walk, I need fresh air." I told him and he waved his hand and said something about watching a movie later on. I agreed to that and got my clothes on before leaving the house.

I know I was being stupid, but I decided to call Bella. She was an early bird and she was up by now anyway. _"Edward...why are you calling me?"_ was her answer to the call. "Bella, listen to me, please? I have to find out where he's staying so I can go and tell him my news." I spoke quickly before she could hang up on me. _"Ok, I'm listening."_ she said and sighed, I could almost hear her rolling her eyes at me. "I called Mike. I am going to figure this out, what's wrong with me. I'm really trying to change for good this time, Bella. I need to tell him that and I can't do on the phone even if he'd pick up. You know that. Please, I'll just go talk to him and then be off. I won't try to mess him up." the words came out in impossible jumble, they stuck to each other and I must have sounded desperate. _"Fine." _she said finally and gave me the name of the hotel. "I know I'm a bastard but I love you Bells." I told her, hearing a soft chuckle on the other end.

I walked towards the part of the city where the hotel was. I know I had been stupid with my doubts and the questions about Jasper seeing someone else. I knew neither of us was ready for anything serious or less serious in a long time even if we were to break up now. You don't just wipe away six years and start over the next day. I knew the hotel he was staying in was near a gorgeous park so I decided to walk through it to calm my nerves. Nature always calmed me even in small patches in the city. I approached the hotel from the other side of the park and went in the gate, walking without thinking, just trying to relax for this little meeting of ours, that was if he would actually see me... Half way through the park I looked up and saw Jake. And..Jasper?? I stopped. What were they doing here? They were obviously talking, deep in conversation. So he had called Jake after all. Maybe...was Jake part of his back up plan? And then I saw Jake lift his hand to Jasper's cheek, touching him so carefully with his big hands. I could feel my heart shatter. Horrified, I watched him lean in as if to kiss Jasper, _my Jasper, _and he wasn't pulling away! They were speaking still and then I just couldn't do anything but to turn around and run.

"Edward!!" I could hear Jasper's voice. "Edward it was nothing!! Listen to me!!" I could hear him running after me when I ran away like the coward child I was. He always called me childish when we argued, he was right, I was a naive child who couldn't take pain like this. It felt like I was stabbed repeatedly in the chest and..and _everywhere_! I ran out of the park, he was calling after me and running and I lunged out of the park gate and over the street to the other side. "It was nothing, I want to talk to you!! I'm not mad at you and I've done nothing wrong!!" I could hear him plead to me and it made me stop and twirl around and look at him and he was still running towards me. He had never time to see the car coming at him when he was running across the street, his apple green eyes fixed in to my darker ones. "Jasper!!" I screamed and then there was a sickening thud when his body hit the car and then another when he hit the street and then silence.


	4. Build It Up And Tear It Down

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight. I would like a piece of Jasper though.._

**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 4**

**Build It Up And Tear It Down**

_Sometimes you laugh,  
sometimes you cry, and yes,  
I've cried over you.  
You've left me blind in paradise.  
You've left me hungering for the touch of you.  
Snow white angels run and hide in the blackness of the night. _

_- Never Is A Long Time by Roxette -_

**EPOV**

I must have had a panic attack right there. Watching the car hit Jasper. I had the tendency to pass out when one hit me. It wasn't regular, I hadn't had one in years, maybe four years to be exact. I had my first when I was eleven, my dog died of heart failure when we were camping in the wilderness. It wasn't an old dog but the breed was one to have such problems. Of course it made no difference to a kid so when I saw him collapse in the middle of a run to fetch a stick, I collapsed as well. Lucky to have a doctor as a father, eh? All I know I woke up in the hospital, I was getting extra oxygen and Alice was sitting next to me in a chair. As soon as I opened my eyes she began to speak. "Don't panic..again. Just breathe. He's going to be okay, it'll just take a bit of time but he will be fine. He doesn't need you obsessing over him on the expense of your own health. Breathe, Edward." she said, squeezing my hand. I closed my eyes for a moment and did as she told me to do, breathed for a moment and then managed to ask "How bad?" and opened my eyes so I could tell if she was totally honest. She sighed and squeezed my hand. "Luckily the car wasn't coming at him fast and the driver had a time to break and steer a bit... He broke his leg, some ribs, severe concussion and they had to operate on his arm but he'll be fine in a few months. They're keeping him in a coma for a while just to be sure that his brain gets the rest. Dad insisted." she said and smiled a bit.

No surprise there, so I was in the hospital where our father, Carlisle, worked as well. "So he took over as soon as he heard, like he usually does?" I asked a bit dryly. "Edward..." Alice said in a slightly warning tone. As loving as our father was, he could be slightly controlling and think that he was a superman. "I'll behave." I promised and then looked at myself. "I passed out?" I asked, knowing the answer already. "Yeah, they thought it better to get you here as well and then of course dad insisted on the IV and the oxygen and all that... He says you should consider getting a medication if you have more attacks like that one." she said sheepishly, because she knew I hated that they meddled and spoke behind my back. "When can I go see him?" I asked. Of course I was a doctor myself, not in this hospital but I knew better than to just make a scene. I wanted to see Jasper, but he was not conscious and I needed to think. This all just added one thing to what was already wrong. I had caused this. If I hadn't been stupid, I wouldn't have been away from my Jasper, he wouldn't have ran after me and across the street. The sickening thud in my memory replayed in my ears. I cringed.

"I called Mike this morning. Going to go see a shrink. Figure myself out." I said suddenly, looking at Alice's pixielike face. "That's good. Though it has been pretty simple for me all along." she said and smiled, stroking my hand with her petite fingers. "It has?" I asked, a bit surprisingly. "Edward, you know I love you to bits, right? But you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed..." she said and grinned a bit and held her hand up a bit. "I should let you figure this out on your own. When you go see the shrink. So I'll do just that and I'll go tell mom you're awake. She's been sitting with Jasper until the Whitlocks get here." she said and excused herself from the room before I could make any questions. What did she mean by that? I had no time to dwell on it for too long. I was eyeing my IV when Esme, our mother, walked in to the room. "Oh Edward, you two scared the living daylight out of us all!" she breathed and rushed to hug me. "Sorry, mom. I'll try not to pass out again." I said, like I always did after these attacks. "Shush." was her reaction, like always, but I made her smile anyway. "How's Jas?" I asked and she looked at me reassuringly. "Your father took over and is monitoring him closely. Edward...your sister told me something..." she frowned a bit, with the look she always gave when we had done something bad as children. "Mom...I'm working on it. Trust me. I'll make this right again." I sighed and she nodded, cupping my cheek with her hand. "I trust that you will. I don't want you two to break up. You aren't this man, Edward. You're our son, you don't have to be that man." she said and at first it made no sense. When it finally did, I understood what Alice had been saying. The trip to the shrink would be interesting, I was sure of it now.

**JPOV**

I remember Edward. Running away from me and Jake. Of what most likely looked like a very suspicious scene because Jake was demonstrating a point. I remember sprinting after Edward. And then nothing. Until I saw the cream colored walls around me and Carlisle's face, smiling at me. And pain, there was pain. Everywhere. "Oh shit..." I mumbled and Carlisle chuckled. "More pain medication, I take it?" he asked and I nodded which made my head and my whole right side burn. "Please..." I said and then my mother was there, fussing about me and giving me water and what ever else she could do to make me feel better. Luckily Carlisle shooed her out of the room and told her and my dad to come over the next day, visiting hours.

When the pain meds kicked in I was feeling a bit floaty but otherwise fine. Carlisle pulled a chair next to my bed and sat down. "Jasper, what do you remember?" and I told him everything I could and then he filled in the details. They had kept me in a coma for two days just in case, my ribs were broken, my leg as well but not as badly as they had thought at first. My arm had it the worst, it had been broken and there had been some nerve damage but they had operated on it and it looked like it would be almost normal once I had healed. I nodded a bit at his words. "And Edward?" I asked. Something in Carlisle's face told me that everything wasn't completely fine with Edward. "Don't worry, he's okay. He had a panic attack when he saw the car hit you. I kept him here for a few hours. The thing is Jasper...he blames himself. For what happened to you." Carlisle said and looked down. Of course..that sounded like my Edward, didn't it? "Could you call him? Tell him to come here? And no excuses." I asked Carlisle in a whisper. He nodded and left the room.

I must have drifted off for a while. When I woke up, Edward was there, leaning on the doorframe of my room. His face was pained, like it was him in pain instead of me. "Would you come here?" I asked, my throat feeling raspy and I eyed the pitcher of water on the table next to my bed. He took the hint and poured me some, helped me drink and then put the glass down. He sat down on the chair Carlisle had left behind. "Edward... This isn't your fault." I said and held up a finger on my better hand. "I ran after you and didn't look at where I was going. You were bound to run, when you saw me and Jake like that. He was demonstrating a point. He was explaining how he saw what happened at the club. He wasn't really going to kiss me and I wouldn't have kissed him back. You know that, right? You saw a part of it that looked bad and ran and I had to try and stop you. I didn't look where I was going.." I rambled on and on until Edward placed his fingers on my lips. "Shut it already. I know I've done wrong. I know I shouldn't have ran in the first place. I should have been an adult and stayed and discussed. We will never agree on this, Jas." he said and didn't let me speak. "I...I want you to know that I'm working on this all. What happened at the club and what caused it to happen.. I'm going to see a shrink. I called Mike and he referred a good one. I'm trying to change...for us. If you still..." his voice broke and he looked down, pulling his fingers away from my lips. Suddenly he was so insecure, he looked broken somehow. It would have been so easy to say yes. So easy to brush it all aside but I couldn't do that.

I looked at him and thought for a moment. "Edward...you know I love you. That won't go away. I need to heal first, get myself physically together before I can...make decisions. I'm glad you're trying to grow as a person. It's about time," I smiled a bit which made him let out a little snort, "but I can't tell you the answer right now. You have to understand that. I love you, but there's too much... And there's no-one else either. Just you but...I need time." I said in a whisper and then suddenly Carlisle was back in the room. He saw the scene in front of him. How defeated Edward must have looked to him and then he looked at me. "You are getting tired, Jasper. I think that I'm letting you go home on Friday but we need to settle where you go. You two need to figure that out. I know your parents would like to have you at home but I doubt that's quite where you want to be?" he asked and smiled a bit. I shook my head. "No, I don't think it's a very relaxing environment." I grinned a bit. "I can take care of him." Edward looked at Carlisle, there was determination in his gaze. "I'll figure the work stuff out and take some time off. When I need to work I'll ask our friends to be with Jasper. We can figure it out." he said and I knew better than to argue. This was his way of punishing himself, having to pay back and to be selfless and I knew he needed to do this. So I didn't argue. All I knew it would be an interesting few months...

**EPOV**

Later Jasper would call it 'the time Edward did'. Like I was in prison. Yeah. Taking care of the love of my life was a punishment, or so he saw it. Maybe in a way when I offered to do it, it was on some level. I broke him, I could fix him again-type of deal. So I went to therapy, I took Jasper home and I took care of him. After two months his arm was good so he could move around in a wheelchair and made me go back to work. His ribs were sore for over a month and his leg, which was supposedly the easiest part of the recovery, took more time than anyone expected.

There were situations that tipped the scale for us. When I had to take care of him, lift him and help him shower and cook for him and sometimes, when he was in pain because the nerves on his hand were slowly healing, I just held him. Before it had always been me. The one who Jasper took care of. Never had it been the other way around. That was something my shrink, Leah, told me was good. We also established something more ground breaking. Something I beamed about when I got home that day, after my second session. "Jas, I think I got it!" I called to him as soon as I opened the door coming home, Alice was 'babysitting' him while I was away. "Here comes the revelation..." she murmured but left the bedroom where they had propper Jasper to read or watch movies in front of the entertainment center I moved the from the livingroom.

"Okay...let's hear it then?" he just said, a small smile on his lips as he patted the side of the bed I slept on. At that point and for weeks to come, we slept in the same bed because he might need help. We hadn't kissed, we were roomates, or a patient and his nurse. We weren't partners in a relationship. The love was there, but we had both pushed it aside. I needed to figure things out mentally, he physically. I climbed on the bed and sat next to him indian style, facing him. "She asked me about my family. I don't think I've ever felt to stupid in my life..." I sighed. "What, you figured out that your issues, needing attention and all that, comes from Alice being born whereas you were adopted?" he asked, his eyes sparkling amusedly. I think my jaw dropped. "Wh-what?? You knew that all this time??" I managed after gasping for air for a moment. "You needed to figure it out for yourself. I wasn't sure if you knew so I didn't ask. We spoke about it with Alice before. Like years ago. After the first time." he said and pain flashed in his eyes. "I think it might be the real reason, yes. I was saved from my old home and then when I was suddenly the center of attention for two whole years, along came Alice. I think that was it. You remember when we were kids, like ten or so, when I broke stuff and got in to trouble. For the attention." I spoke and he nodded. "Same thing. Yet I never realised it...that I needed the attention somehow. It didn't make any difference if it was positive or negative. When I thought you and the gang were already making your assumptions...gasoline to the flames..." I sighed and he reached his hand to touch mine on the bed.

"Edward, I'm glad you figured it out. I'm glad you're growing. Maybe it will help us eventually?" he asked and there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes. It sounded so stupid now that I thought about it. The little revelation of mine. But maybe I was never too good at searching my own soul instead of blaming others and looking for the fault outside myself. I loved Jasper with all my heart, yet I failed to notice that I hurt him on purpose just to get more of his attention. I didn't think he was giving me enough, I didn't think he really loved me still after all those years...stupid, I know. My subconscious gave me a reason to kiss Paul, to see if Jasper still really cared. It nearly killed him, it nearly killed me too. "You know what's funny?" he asked, shaking me from my thoughts. "The day of the accident, Jake was telling me he thought that it was like that. You seeing Paul suddenly, after our doubts and the wordless blaming we did. That it drove you to dare us all." he said, looking at me. "I should give Jake more credit." I mumbled and looked down. I felt worse, for ever doubting him. "You aren't completely wrong...there was a short moment...he stayed with me in the hotel and...we didn't do anything. He comforted me, you know I need to be touched so he combed my hair and massaged me a bit. But we stopped that as soon as it...felt too good. You know the chemistry I have with him and that can't be helped. But we'd never do anything to hurt you. So in the park that day, he asked me how I'd react if he'd kiss me, wouldn't I instinctively kiss him back. That's what you saw, he was demonstrating that by leaning in. He wouldn't have kissed me or I him. He wanted to show me that maybe you really didn't want to kiss Paul but responded to the kiss because he was there, your first crush and all..." the words flowed from his mouth. They stung and I got off the bed. "I need to...think..." I mumbled and escaped from the room. All I could see in my head was Jacob, in the hotel room with my Jasper...nothing had happened but still...suddenly I doubted Jacob Black again. With all my heart.

**Additional AN: Thanks for all the reviews and PMs. Keep them coming. This is shorter but the next one will be longer and probably have some lemony goodness in it as well. ;)**


	5. And It Feels Like I'm Alive

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight. I would like a piece of Jasper though.._

**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 5**

**And It Feels Like I'm Alive**

_Love hurts...  
But sometimes it's a good hurt  
And it feels like I'm alive.  
Love sings,  
When it transcends the bad things.  
Have a heart and try me,  
'cause without love I won't survive. _

_- Love Hurts by Incubus -_

**JPOV**

I healed slowly. We had an agreement, I tried not to whine and he was allowed to take care of me until I could move around in a wheelchair. So we did just that. I laid in bed, read, listened to music, surfed the net, watched movies and got bored to death in two weeks. But I had promised not to whine so I didn't. The discussion that changed something...it was after his second therapy session, the second week of my recovery. He had a revelation which I had known for a long time because I had chatted with Alice. Why didn't I tell him before? He would have denied it all of course and it would have made no difference what so ever. The conversation... Yes. He changed his mind about Jacob during it, during my words that were all the truth and I bloody hell couldn't run after him when he did his escaping act which he was so good at when he couldn't handle something face to face.

He came back the same night, after Alice had left me because she needed her sleep as well. Edward was sullen, there was a hint of anger in him but also quite a lot of determination and something I couldn't quite put my finger on. His knuckles were bruised but he didn't explain and I didn't ask, I knew better than to ask. Jake stayed away for two weeks and our friends who all visited me avoided the Jake-issue like the plague. I knew something had happened, Edward had done something but nobody wanted to talk about it. It enraged me inside but I couldn't do a thing about it. Jake wouldn't pick up the phone or answer my texts so there was nothing I could do! Then, after two weeks of no contact at all, he emerged. He came to see me when Em was there and Emmett let him in before excusing himself to the livingroom to listen to music with the headphones we had there. He didn't want to be in the middle of this and I couldn't blame him.

Jacob sneaked in to the bedroom where I was sitting on the bed, my leg propped on some pillows and my hand, first days out of the light cast it had been in, was on my chest in a sling just to keep it still. "Jake??" I was so surprised to see him. He looked sheepish. "Hey Jazz..." he mumbled and pulled a chair to sit next to the bed instead of plopping on the other side like everyone else did. I didn't know what to say. So we sat in a strange silence for a moment. "So...what happened with Edward?" I asked, because it was obvious that they had met after my conversation with him. Edward hadn't even mentioned his name and had left the room every time I had tried to pry so I had stopped doing that after the first two days. "I missed you." I added, because I had missed him, he was one of my best friends for heaven's sake.

His face lit up a bit at the words and then he pretty much looked even more sheepish. "Jazz... I didn't come over because I had a massive black eye I didn't want you to see. Edward came to me and we...talked and he punched me and...told me to stay away until I could behave myself." he sighed, looking at his hands on his lap instead of me because he had caught a glimpse of my face which must have been shocked. What ever Edward was, he was not violent. "Was it...was it because the hotel?" I asked. "Jazz, no...he questioned me about that and the park and we apparently told the same true story... It went a bit deeper than that. I mean...I've been in love with you for years, Jazz. I can't help it. He realised that when we talked and he just snapped. I can't blame him. I would have punched me too if I had been in his place." he said, still not looking at me. I had had no idea. For years?? This knowledge, having hurt a friend by just merely being myself around him while being in a relationship with another... I could feel my heart break a little. How didn't I know this? Or maybe I had known on some level. "Did I lead you on?" I asked quietly. "No, not at all Jazz. I took all the little moments we had together and made them in to bigger deals than they were because...I wanted to be with you. Even if it was fake and just harmless flirting and hanging out I wanted it so badly..." he sighed. "I would never do a thing to mess with you and Edward. You two are meant to be and I hope you can sort this all out." he said then, looking at me with honesty and determination and I just nodded. "Of course I'll be on the sidelines waiting just in case..." he said then, in the usual flirty Jacob-tone I loved, even if I didn't love him other than as a friend. "Ok, let's agree on that. If this never works again with him, I'll give you a holler." I grinned a bit weakly.

"Anyway, I wanted to come here and explain and tell you that I'll behave. You can tell Edward. I'm just not ready to face him yet so I'll be off now. You know I'm not violent so it did...get to me." he said, looking a bit bashful suddenly, it was a huge deal to admit being intimidated by Edward because let's face it, Jake was the bigger, tougher looking biker type and Edward was the slimmer pediatrician. Men... "It's okay. We're having a dinnerparty next week when I can actually move this arm again so you are of course invited." I said and for a moment he looked hesitant. "Jake, I want you to be there." He nodded then, looking determined, maybe it was to give me what I wanted from him or just plain determination to be a part of our gang, I don't know. "I'll be there. I better jet before Edward gets home though." he flashed me a grin and got up. He leaned to the bed, kissing the top of my head and lingering just a second too long before pulling away. "I'll see you around, Jazzy." he said and then he was gone.

When Jake left, Emmett came in to the room and looked at me worriedly. "You ok?" he asked and climbed to the bed next to me. "Yeah...I think so..." I mumbled, not quite sure about that at all. "Did you know?" I asked him, looking up to him quizzically. "About Edward punching him, yes. About Jake being smitten...yes as well. It was pretty obvious to me but I doubt the girls know." he said and then I realised that Emmett was a better friend than I ever gave him credit for. "Oh gods...how was I so blind?" I asked, leaning in to the pillows he organized behind my head. "It wasn't like he was coming on to you for real and you guys were always flirting anyway, in private mind you," he said when he saw the look on my face because I knew we hadn't done it openly, ever, "but I knew it from the looks you gave each other when you came from another room or something. There was flirting there and the chemistry you have...it's obvious. You know that when you're not there and he drags me in to some of those gay friendly clubs he always picks up a tall, blonde guy?" Emmett said and my jaw dropped. "I know that's too much information but you need to know how deep this goes. You can't just stop flirting with him now, that would drive him away and we all love him, but limit it, Jazz, just a bit. Especially when.." he said and we heard the door, "speaking of the devil..." Em murmured and got up from the bed. "We'll all be fine, eventually, Jasper. Trust me." he said and then waited for Edward to come in to the room. "You need anything or is the babysitter free to go? And where's my tip?" he asked nonchalantly when Edward entered the bedroom.

"Shoo." was all Edward said to him and excused him with a wave of his hand but there was a hint of a smile there on his lips. "Yeah yeah...call me when you need me again." he said and went to pull his boots on before leaving the apartment. Edward stood in the middle of the bedroom. He looked hesitant. "Jake texted me. That he came to see you." he said quietly. I was speechless again. Then it suddenly struck me, what I was so hesitant about, what made me act like I had done something wrong. My eyes widened and I looked at Edward who seemed to realise something was wrong. "What? Jasper? Are you in pain?" he asked and hurried to the bedside but I held my hand up so that he wouldn't touch me. "No...wait..." I said breathlessly and closed my eyes. My heart pounded in my chest and before he could ask again I opened my eyes. "Edward...you...you hit him. You hit our friend." I managed to say between trying to calm myself down. "What if... Would you..." my eyes were still wide. Then it dawned on him what I was trying to ask. "Jasper no, never!" he gasped, in equal horror and he backed away from the bed. "I would _never_ raise my hand against you! You _know_ that! Please tell me you know that..." he said, suddenly pleading, desperate, his eyes were pools of dark green and begging me to believe him. Then suddenly he said the words that made me believe, the words that told me that he was serious about this, understanding where I was coming from which didn't surprise me after all the time we had been together. "I'll never drink another drop of alcohol."

See, my reactions to violence when it was someone close to me doing it, boiled down to my childhood. My father was a fair man, a lovely father and a hard worker but when he drank he became a different person. The problem was that you never knew when he was drunk. It was something that happened rarely and he managed to hide it. Usually it was after a rough patch at work. He came home, got hammered and the first one on his way, either me or mom, got punched a few times. It was so rare we dealt with it and it wasn't until he broke mom's arm when I was twelve that he stopped drinking completely. But I was terrified of violence still. When it came from someone I trusted and loved and who was supposed to be good to me... The fact that Edward was capable of violence shocked me to the core. It made me feel insecure. "It's okay...you don't have to...I'm okay.." I said and breathed in and out a few times, concentrating on it for real. When I was calm again he was sitting on the edge of the bed again. "Jasper...I want to. I want to show you that the problems, all of them, are behind us now. And...maybe one day we can be us again. For real. I know I never should have hit him, after all he never did anything truly wrong and I know to trust you..and him..." he admitted and looked ashamed. "But...when I suddenly realised he loved you. Nobody else is supposed to love you like I do..." he said and I saw something rare, tears filling his eyes at the words mumbled out in a huge knot that almost made no sense. "Edward...I love you too. You know that. I've never loved anyone else before and I doubt I ever could. We need time still." I said a bit shakily.

**EPOV**

Things had gone on a wild rollercoaster ride during Jasper's recovery. At first I got so mad but managed to calm down and go speak with Jake. Then I punched the guy...which I'm absolutely ashamed of and always will be. The rage that boiled in me when I realised it from his words. The thing he wasn't saying, the thing he was trying to hide. He was in love with _my_ Jasper. Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference if it would have been anyone else. But the gorgeous, perfect Jake who already had a special relationship with Jasper... He was a threat, my subconscious thought so at least. They never crossed my mind...the consequences. How Jasper would react when he found out and it nearly killed me two weeks later when I came home and it dawned to Jasper what kind of a man I could be. The fear and doubt in his eyes. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic but I felt like I wanted to die, to have never been born to have Jasper have to feel those horrors of his childhood again.

We sorted it out though, I didn't know how long I could stop messing around like this and he would still forgive me. So I did what I had promised, I stopped drinking. I had had the evening drink of scotch almost every night after a hard day at work. Just that one to relax my nerves and my body but I stopped drinking that one too. When we had the dinner for our friends, the 'Jasper can use his arm again!'-party as Rosie called it, Jasper had two glasses of wine like the rest of our friends did but I drank mineral water. They all knew why by now. We rarely kept things from them and they all knew what Jasper's dad had been like before. Jake was there, of course, and I didn't mind. He was his usual self, a bit more reserved and shy almost, but he was our Jake again. And I didn't feel anxious once, not aggressive either. Or jealous really. I went with the flow and it was all fine.

At some point I realised none of our little group had looked at me with judgement in their eyes. Instead the looks I was getting were completely supportive. They were proud of me. I went to get the dessert from the kitchen and tried to gather myself there. There were tears threatening to fall. To my surprise it was Rosie who found me there, I bet they all had wanted to come after me to 'help with the dessert' which meant to check I was fine in other words. I was gripping the countertop with my fingers, leaning my forehead to the cabinet and then there were arms around me and I gasped for air because of the tender gesture took my breath away like the silent approval had moments ago. "Edward...you've come a long way in a short time. You're beginning to be the man you were supposed to grow up to be. We're so proud of you. All of us. It took trial and error, we all know that. But you learned and you're still trying your best and we all love you for that. He'll be yours again, one day. He's not going anywhere, he's just waiting to heal and for you to be on the same line with him. Maybe it will be the first time you'll deserve him, because you know I've always thought him too good for you." she spoke, her cheek pressed between my shoulderblades. The tone in the end of those words was playful but she was right and she knew it. We all knew it.

We carried the chocolate mousse (which made Bella and Alice squeal girlishly...) to the little diningroom or dining-corner that it really was, and nobody ever mentioned the talk again. Or the speech Rosie had given me. I continued to grow. I stayed in therapy and I learned a lot. Leah was proud of my for quitting drinking alltogether because it had caused our problems to a degree as I would never had cheated on Jasper while sober, and it made the difference in the newly found problem, my underlying violence. Leah said that it was most likely just a one time thing. That what ever people said they were all capable of violence when their subconscious thought it justifiable. Mine had gone to overgear when I had realised I might not be the only one who could have the love of my life. That it was a reality that someone else might actually love him as well. The thought had pushed me over some edge and when it was added to the fact that I felt betrayed by a friend I had snapped. She was extremely proud that I had come up with quitting drinking on my own. The fact that I hadn't even drunk wine at the dinnerparty made her beam and in turn I beamed as well.

Three months from the accident I was a different person. Of course the naive, stupid Edward was there as well. But I saw my errors now. I saw how I had been and I never wanted to be like that again. I knew what I had all but ruined when I had taken my Jasper for granted and made everything about myself. I hated myself for that but I was working on it so that it wouldn't consume me, consume the progress I had made. We were struggling a bit with Jasper's recovery and I had taken a week off work just to see that he exercised his leg and arm properly and he was snapping at me for the first time in all this time. He had gotten his cast off a week before of that night. I know I had been a pain but I was worried, I needed to make sure he was okay, that he could manage moving around the flat. "I can handle it!" he snapped when I was about to get off the couch to see he was fine getting up to go to the bathroom in the commercial break. "I'm not a child, Edward, I know your other patients are.." he mumbled as he took a hold of the edge of the coffee table and pushed with his hand to get himself up. He swayed a bit but then managed to get to his feet properly and limped to the bathroom. I knew he was tired of this all. Staying at home mostly though we had taken him out to the park and the restaurant and everywhere else where he didn't have to walk for too long to be able to rest and where he could sit with his leg straight and preferably elevated. Movies wasn't an option because of the small space so we were doing movie-nights with our newly acquired home theater system once every week, the huge flatscreen made Emmett stay with us all game nights.

Jasper was walking, with a limp but he was walking and I was happy. To my surprise he didn't come back to the couch to watch the reast of the documentary even though the subject interested him. I shut the tv off when I heard him in the bedroom. When I got there he was sitting in the middle of the bed, rubbing his calf. He had stripped to his boxer briefs and tank top. I could see his leg was cramping but he hadn't called for help like he usually did. I walked slowly around the bed. "Jas." I said, it was almost a question. "Don't...Edward...just...don't..." he said and I felt a bit puzzled. What was this about? Had I messed up something without knowing. All I knew was I couldn't take this anymore. It felt bad to be rejected even if just in such a small thing. We hadn't kissed in three months. We hadn't touched intimately in all that time either. It was a long time and I was hungry for him. I had been for a long time but this, a small rejection from helping him... I heard myself growl. "Jasper listen to me!" I said, my tone made his gaze snap up at me, he wasn't scared but just surprised. "I love you. How long do I have to take this? You snapping at me when I want to be there for you?" It had been like that for the last week and it was already doing my head in.

"Edward..." he started to speak, his tone was surprised, apologetic, everything I couldn't bear to hear right now. "No, Jas, I've had it." I said and then suddenly I was on the bed with him, I had pushed him on his back and I was kissing him. He was too stunned to respond at first, but when he realised what I was doing the response was almost primal. He opened his mouth for me, moaning to the sensation like I was. I had thought I could never do this again! I was kissing the man I was supposed to be with, who I thought I had lost forever, and he was kissing me back. Our tongues were wrestling but not for control, we were drinking each other and tasting as much as we could. I shifted a bit, I was on his better side and careful not to hurt him but as soon as my thigh shifted naturally between his I felt how hard he was against my thigh. For me! I moaned with him, his both hands were entangled in my hair and the kissing was frantic, like we hadn't seen each other in months and in a way wasn't that right? "Oh god...Jasper..." I gasped air in to my lungs and looked down to him. His eyes were pools of liquid green, apple green flames of need. "I need you...fuck me Edward." he whispered and the tone, the need in that tone that was something so deep and intimate and primal, it made me rock hard for him. He was _asking_ me to do this, he needed _me_. My Jasper wanted me still. "Are you sure?" I stopped to ask him. I had to ask him. I needed to know. He didn't say anything, just nodded and pulled the top off himself. I slid off the bed to undress myself and then got back to him, laying next to him.

There was electricity between us. It had always been there but it had died down a bit in the last few years. Now it felt like it was back with full force. Had the room been dark I believe I could have seen the electric current between our skins when I moved my fingers over his toned chest and abs, my fingertips hovering over him like I was suddenly hesitant to touch him. He reached his hand to slide his fingers through my hair and tilted my head so I was looking at him. "Edward?" he asked in a whisper. I looked at him, but I couldn't say anything. The emotions were spilling over and I was choked up suddenly. "I...I never thought...I could do this again..." I managed after a few seconds of silence. There was a huge smile on his lips suddenly, his eyes were sparkling. "I forgive you for everything. I need you. Fuck me, please?" he said, in a gentle, loving, determined tone that turned slightly obscene in the end, the tone he knew to use to drive me nuts. Without further ado I suddenly cupped him through the thin fabric of his boxers. His hips bucked and he groaned out loud. "Oh...Edward..."

**AN: More lemons to come, no pun intended... ;) Keep the reviews coming.**


	6. These Loving Arms

_Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a dirty imagination._

**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 6**

**These Loving Arms**

_You must… give me a sign, love.  
Can't you see me standing here?  
Alive and well with all the hope,  
You'll be, the one for me.  
Baby I'll keep trying.  
_

_Oh baby don't give up on us  
I know your heart is full of doubt  
You don't need to be without  
These loving arms. . _

_- Don't Give Up On Us by Sarah McLachlan -_

**JPOV**

I don't even know why I snapped at him. I had been good for over three months so why now? Probably because there is a breaking point in everyone's patience. I was sick and tired of being treated like an invalid. I was sick and tired of the constant humming of restlessness in my body. I couldn't work out, I couldn't go for a walk even. I hadn't had sex, of any kind, in months and I had the love of my life next to me each night. The man I wanted more than I thought I'd want anyone, ever. The passion was back, full force. The electricity would be there and I knew it and it scared me because I had been in control of myself, my pain, my whining, everything, for months. I wasn't sure I could handle it. The doubts I had had, they had vanished slowly but surely. Edward had been good, he was a different person though of course I knew nobody changed just like that but he was different, I could tell. His whole attitude had changed and now that I was acting like a brat without being able to help it I felt responsible. I felt bad. I was behaving like one of his child patients and it annoyed me more than anything he could ever do to tick me off.

So that night, after the babying I got and that I answered to like that...I felt disappointed. At myself. Not him. He had been his caring, patient self and I had acted like that. I didn't even deserve his care right now. So after I relieved myself I wobbled to the bedroom and then the cramp hit me and I could feel my jaw clench because of the pain in my calf. I was on the bed, rubbing it, when he appeared. I had registered the sound of the tv being off suddenly and I knew he was worried. He said my name, in a tone that was almost a question. I felt so unworthy suddenly. Ashamed even. I was a brat... "Don't...Edward...just...don't..." I mumbled, there was an edge to my tone and I hated that as well. After a short silence I heard him growl, I was so surprised it must have shown on my face. "Jasper listen to me!" he said, his tone beyond firm. "I love you. How long do I have to take this? You snapping at me when I want to be there for you?" It felt like he had stabbed me. My chest tightened. I knew I had been impossible. It made this all the more difficult right now. I needed to make him understand how frustrated I was. "Edward..." I started but he shut me up again with "No, Jas, I've had it.". And then I was on my back, so surprised, so stunned I couldn't react. My body realised it before I did. My lips parted, my mouth opened to him. The rough kiss made blood rush all over my body, it curled my toes for heaven's sake! I felt high.

My body knew what I wanted, needed. When his body pressed against mine I was already hard, moaning to the kiss just like he was. I realised I had missed this. I had missed my Edward. And the electric current between us...it was just like six years ago. The kissing was making me dizzy and I craved more. When we needed to breathe his eyes were dark green, darker than the usual and I knew the look even without the words he uttered. "I need you...fuck me Edward." it came out of my mouth like it wasn't me who said it but my subconscious mind that knew I needed this. He asked me if I was sure, but the words escaped me again so I just nodded, I think I was panting with the raw need I felt for him. He undressed himself and came back to the bed to lay next to me. The way he almost touched me, almost ran his fingers on my now naked upper body...I swear I could see the current between us. He was hesitant, so I made him look at myself. "I...I never thought...I could do this again..." I could see how much it meant to him, to be able to be with me like this and I felt the same. But this wasn't the time or the place to have a deep conversation about our current feelings that had shifted during some point of my recovery. I knew I was smiling, I knew he could tell my emotions from my eyes because they were as expressive as my smile was or so he kept telling me. We needed each other, right now, so I did what I knew would make the decision for him. "I forgive you for everything. I need you. Fuck me, please?" and I meant every word of it.

His hand was suddenly touching me through my remaining piece of clothing and I gasped, moaned his name when my hips bucked against his palm. I'm surprised I didn't come right there. He looked at me with pure need and even though we were still, even at this point, very much in to making the sex we had good, making the foreplay last and then get our release later, there was no time for that now. He could see it in my eyes. He grabbed the bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer and while he did that I pushed my boxers down. Edward turned back to the bed and tossed my underwear somewhere to the floor. His smile was the crooked one I loved so much that turned me on even more. I hadn't seen that little smirk in months and I had missed it so much it felt like someone squeezed my heart when I saw it. "If you ask me once more if I'm sure I'm going to kick your ass Edward Masen..." I muttered when he looked at me like he was going to. It made him chuckle and then he leaned to kiss me again. He was still beside me, probably to make the strain on my leg as short as possible. "I missed you..." he said and kissed me deeply and in a lingering way. "I missed your cock..." he murmured in to my neck as he palmed my erection firmly, making my hips buck again, "and I missed your tight little ass..." his tone was husky, I could feel his cock pressed against my hip and I could hardly wait any longer. He was so hard and so was I.

I tugged him a bit by his arm to show him I needed him right now. We hadn't used condoms after the first year because he really had no need for them. Right now all I could think of was to feel him inside me again. Edward moved to kneel between my legs and I planted my heels on the surface of the bed, spreading my legs for him. "Good boy..." he murmured and stroked the insides of my thighs with his fingers to make me gasp and beg. "You'll need to tell me if you're in pain. This isn't exactly the physiotherapy you were ordered..." he said amusedly and made me chuckle too. I really didn't see Carlisle Cullen telling me to exercise like this with his son either. "Just...fuck me already." I told him, never taking my eyes off his which seemed to connect us even more. We were bare, physically and mentally and it showed in everything we did right now. He took the lube and did my favorite thing, what he knew I never got tired to see, which was to pour the lube straight on to his own cock and then rub it all over his length. And boy was there length... I heard myself moan, I almost missed his finger sliding in to me as I stared at his cock he was working slowly. "Oh...god...Edward..." I moaned when I felt his finger stretch my hole to get another one in and then curve to massage my sweet spot. "Don't...just..." I gasped and moaned and he realised I would come if he kept this going for long.

When he moved to lean forward I opened my eyes again, I could see all the love he had for me, all the vulnerability in this moment. "Love me.." I whispered and he positioned himself before pushing gently. I almost passed out, I don't think I have ever felt anything so intensive in my life than the tip of Edward's cock sliding in to me. My eyes rolled back and I hardly realised him gasping. And then he pushed in. Slowly, filling me so perfectly it felt like he was truly possessing me and I didn't mind the least. When he was inside me to the hilt he stopped. I wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him deeper in and it made us both gasp. Edward leaned down, placed his hands on my either side and kissed me. He didn't move for a long while that consisted of kissing and my touches on his back and his ass. We were reconnecting, creating Us again. I felt like my whole being was in tune with him. Then he moved, just a little bit, rocked in my grasp and we both moaned again, then we laughed a little. "It hasn't been like this in years, has it?" I asked and he smiled his crooked little smile and his eyes were full of heat and love. "No, no it hasn't...I love you Jasper." he said and dipped his head down to kiss me passionately. I released my feet enough to give him room to move and he grinned a bit wickedly a that. He knew me so well... He pulled out of me, almost completely, and waited for me to get impatient like I always did. And then when I was about to make a sound he rammed in to me, hard enough to make me move on the bed and vail at the sensations coursing through my system. Wildfire.

He fucked me, he made love to me, he kept from his own orgasm for a long time and waited for me to reach mine first. We were lost in the passionate act, he was driving me wild with the movements and when I finally felt myself getting close enough to come, I heard him say "Come for me, Jasper..." and then I did, spasming, shooting my load to my stomach and chest and moaning like some animal as I arched my back against him, my legs tightened around him again and I pulled him deep inside of me and then he let go of his self control and I could feel his whole body tense as mine pumped his seed from him. His hot cum inside of me made my orgasm last so long it seemed impossible to be so high for such a long time. I felt like blacking out. When I finally began to register my surroundings again, he was laying on top of me, I was sprawled under him like a ragdoll. We didn't speak for a long time, just laid there, my fingers in his hair and on his back and waiting for out breaths to catch and our heartbeats to settle a bit. "I love you too, Edward." I said and I could feel his lips curve in to a little smile against my chest but he said nothing. We hadn't felt like this in a long time, if ever.

After a long while he raised his head. "I was about to fall asleep and we need to shower." he pointed out and looked a bit drowsy. I smiled at the expression. "Yes, we should." I agreed and he pulled out of me, which left me feeling empty and craving for the physical connection, and got off the bed. Before I had time to move or say anything, he had picked me up and was carrying me to the bathroom. I chuckled and decided not to say a thing. Not now. Edward set me down to the corner where our luxurious shower was and put the steam on. I loved that thing, it was the first luxury thing we ever saved money for. I stood there, swaying a little back and forth as Edward turned the waterfall shower on and it splashed over me. "Are you sure I'm not dead and in heaven?" I mumbled after he began to shampoo my hair for me. "Nope," he said, popping the p, "you're just satisfied and taken care of like you should be." he said and I couldn't help but smile at that. After we showered a very long time, getting clean but also touching each other, not an inch of our bodies left untouched, he decided to get to bed before my leg would die on me. He let me walk back to the bedroom after drying me with a towel slightly too carefully and teasingly which only aroused me again but he told me the daily quota of straining my leg and arm was filled and I should behave. Tease.

**EPOV**

I woke up. Something was different. Then I realised it was Jasper. Instead of the staying on his side of the bed in some sort of sleeping clothing like he had done for the last three months, he was sprawled naked under the covers. His good leg was laying on top of my feet and his hand was across my chest. I smiled. Everything that had happened the night before came back to me and my cock twitched at the thought. Mindblowing lovemaking. That was what it had been. We were Us again. Not just two people. I laid there, I didn't dare to move when he looked so peaceful in his dreaming. My heart felt too big for my chest, it swelled over because I felt the impact of the love I had gotten back last night. We were physical people, we needed to make love like that to reconnect and we had done it.

After some time, maybe fifteen minutes, he started to stir. I smiled when he opened his sleepy eyes that sparkled immediately when he realised I was already awake and how we were sleeping. "Morning..." he murmured and leaned to kiss my shoulder. "Morning my love." I said and reached to run my fingers through his hair. "You looked adorable. This is a good way to wake up." I told him and he smiled. "Would it be possible to get some caffeine?" he asked after a while of me petting him and him purring like an oversized housecat. "Sure." I said and reluctantly slid out of the bed. "I've missed seeing you naked like that." I heard him say as I went to pull my pajama pants on just to have something on in case someone would stop by like they did nowadays. "Sadly I will wear these to the kitchen." I retorted and grinned a bit before vanishing to the kitchen.

I had put the coffeemaker on and was looking thoughtfully in the fridge to try and decide what we should have for breakfast when Jasper was suddenly there behind me. "Edward Masen..." he purred and I saw him place our bottle of lube from the bedroom to the island in the middle of our kitchen. My cock twitched. Oh gods... "Yes, Mr. Whitlock?" I asked, closing the fridge slowly but didn't turn around. I looked over my shoulder and saw his eyes burning with green fire again. The pit of my stomach felt all fluttering suddenly. Jasper grabbed my arm and yanked. I stumbled towards him and he pressed me against the island and rubbed his naked body against my back. "I think you need to learn a lesson..." he murmured in his best hot and sexy voice and tugged me backwards half a step before bending me to lean on the island, his hand was between my shoulderblades as he rubbed his erect cock to my ass. I moaned and was immediately rewarded with a hard slap on my ribs. It surprised me. We could be rough but this was a different Jasper. He was claiming me, dominating me, and it was surprisingly erotic.

He yanked my pants down and I kicked them off when they dropped around my ankles. Then suddenly his fingers were around my cock and I moaned again. He wasn't speaking, I could tell from his breathing that he was so very turned on. For a moment he jerked me off, there was nothing gentle or loving in the way he did it, it was almost like he was doing this to a stranger and even though it could have been a turn off, I felt oddly excited. He was being someone different. I hardly ever bottomed, mostly because his cock had girth to spare and I was a chicken...or so he called me in a very loving way. Suddenly I was scared. This wasn't my gentle and loving Jasper and I knew he would fuck me senseless with his thick cock and there was nothing I could do about it. He knew I wouldn't fight him because I was scared of hurting him in general but expecially now that he was still recovering, even if the casts were off. Oh crap...

I heard him take the bottle of lube from beside me and pop it open. He squeezed the bottle and I felt the substance slide from the top of my ass all the way to my crack and then his fingers were spreading it in to my opening. His other hand was still working my cock, it kept me distracted enough to not be too tense even if my mind was screaming at me to say something. He slid two fingers in to me and scissored my opening roughly. I gasped at the sensation. No, he wasn't gentle at all. I gripped the other side of the island and braced myself. Suddenly he added a third finger and I moaned. Oh...god... He massaged my prostate with his fingertips and I got lost in the ecstasy of his fingers everywhere. Then suddenly, just as I was feeling the familiar waves gathering towards my center he removed his fingers from my ass and almost violently pushed his cock in to me. No adjusting after the tip, nothing. He rammed in to me so that my hips hit the edge of the island countertop painfully and I yelped. "You belong to me... Nobody else gets to fuck you..." he murmured, his tone almost unrecognizable. No, this wasn't my Jasper, this was someone I had created with my actions. I was both terrified and fascinated and then he began to fuck me, pulling out until just the head of his cock was in me and then rammed in again, making me moan and gasp both of pleasure and pain when my hips connected with the island. He had held my hips but suddenly his hands were next to mine on both sides, gripping the opposite side of the island. He was stretched over me, pounding in to me with his cock and I felt like I would split in to two under him. My gentle, loving partner...

Then I heard the telltale sounds he made just before he would come and before I had time to react in any way, he whipped his head down and sank his teeth to my back, causing more pain, probably almost biting through my skin. I was so surprised, so in pain that when he exploded in to me and I could feel his seed coat my insides, I came with a mindblowing rush that made the heat from the center of me spread everywhere on my body, even my fingers twitched as he pumped himself empty in to me. After a moment of laying there, him on my back and us both dazed, he pulled out of me. "We should grab a shower, the coffee is done." he just said and waited for me to get up and follow him in to the bathroom. We cleaned eachother in the shower and then he went to find something to wear when I went to the kitchen to clean the mess and find my pants from where I had kicked them. My ass hurt slightly and when I sat down to drink my coffee I winced. There was a chuckle from the bedroom doorway. I blushed. "I should fuck you senseless more often. Being that guy suits you." he said, but not in a mocking tone. He walked to me and leaned to kiss me affectionately. "I mean what I said." he told me after the kiss, his apple green eyes serious and I nodded. "I know." and I meant it. This time I had tools to work with myself. I knew he would want to go clubbing one evening and I would be judged by my reactions there but it wasn't now. Not until he could dance and his leg wouldn't let him yet. But no-one else would ever fuck me. I didn't need anyone else. I had my Jasper. I had gotten my life back.

**AN: Should I write more of this or are you guys erm..as satisfied as Jasper is? This could well end the story or I could write at least the club-scene and maybe one outtake I have in mind. What do you think?**


	7. You Are The One

Disclaimer: All things Twilight are the property of S. Meyer. I have a wicked playlist and a dirty imagination.

AN: Will be at the bottom of the page. ;)

**Listen To Your Heart, Chapter 7**

**You Are The One**

_  
I know you've suffered  
But I don't want you to hide  
It's cold and loveless  
I won't let you be denied_

_Soothing  
I'll make you feel pure  
Trust me  
You can be sure_

_- Undisclosed Desires by Muse -_

**EPOV**

The night had come. The one where we'd go to the club, where we would be surrounded by mostly gay men and I would have to show Jasper how good I could be. That sounds awful. But it also makes me grin a bit when I think about it. Not because I'm waiting for the looks I'll be getting. That part of me is gone, more or less. To what degree I'll know in an hour. I don't really care about anyone else now. I'm watching Jasper as he dresses and I keep getting mesmerized by him. My man. It's so strange. He is still mine and we're better than ever, but I know tonight is the night. This is what will tell him where we truly are.

It was almost six months from the accident now. The terrible period of our life had ended but we wanted to make the date even more special, so not only did we wait for Jasper's leg to be fully healed so he could dance, but we also waited for all of us to be in town again. Rose hadn't been around because she had taken a job abroad, so she had been spending her time productively in France for the last few months. We waited for her to come home to celebrate properly.

So there we were, getting ready to hop in to a cab. For Emmett's sake we had chosen to go to a 'gay friendly' club instead of a proper gay one. This was also a rock club so that was something Jasper, Jake and Bella were really in to. They had been raving for weeks about the new album of their favourite band and even I knew the lyrics by now. Not bad music at all and I had a couple of favourite songs on the album already.

Jasper had been working for nearly two months now. The kids were patient with him and well-behaved and Jasper laughed that he should get hurt more often if it made the rascals behave. He stopped joking about that when I gave him a look. He needed to get out of the house and he was pretty much okay to work anyway. I was worried for the first week but when he managed to not exhaust himself I was happy. And he was happy and his kids were happy too to get their teacher back.

My cell went off. "Yeah, we're on our way. See you there." I answered and put the phone away. "Alice?" Jasper asked amusedly and I nodded. My sister was a bit funny with schedules. Jasper chuckled and leaned a bit against my side on the back of the cab. I hadn't been drinking since my promise and I wanted to take my car but Jasper said he wanted to ride in a cab so we did. Anything for my Jasper. I know...getting sappy well in to a six-year relationship but I couldn't help it. I was slightly tense though. So was he. Just because of tonight and we both knew it. Both of us were thinking about the same thing. Could I possibly have changed for real. Would I be worthy of his trust and that of our friends? I suppose there was just one way to find that out, eh?

When we got out of the cab, Jasper first, I couldn't help but to check out his ass. Slightly tight jeans with a black tank top that hugged his figure closely. Yeah, I was a lucky sob and I knew it... We hadn't taken jackets because we were going to move by cab and it was quite warm already.

The gang was waiting for us. Everyone looked so happy and when Jasper turned to take my hand and smiled at me lovingly, I could see the girls swooning a bit. I shook my head a bit and chuckled. I was dressed nicely too. Jasper had picked me black jeans and a black silk button up which he loved. Yeah, anything for him, you got that by now, right?

After the usual hellos and hugs and pats on the back we went inside. I could tell Jake was keeping his distance from Jasper now. It was a bit different but he was doing it in a way that wasn't too obvious, even though I knew everyone else noticed it too. As soon as he walked in to the club, Jasper, Bella and Jake squealed. "Heeere we go..." I chuckled and Emmett shook his head a bit. The trio bounced in to the dancefloor as soon as they could and began to do their regular head banging routine and the rest of us went to the bar to get our drinks and theirs too as we all knew what the others were drinking. Then we found a large enough booth and went to sit down.

Emmett told us about this new girl he had been seeing a couple of times and we were quite happy for him. He promised that if they kept seeing each other he'd bring her to our next night out. Rosie chatted a while about France and how awesome Paris had been. Alice was merely observing. "You know he is yours. You don't have to eat him with your eyes all the time." she said at some point and I didn't quite register that until Emmett punched my arm. "Ow...what the..." I asked, rubbing my arm. "Your sister said that Jazz is yours and that you don't have to keep drooling like that." Rosalie said dryly and I chuckled. "Oh man, you're not really blushing??" Emmett burst out in laughter and I tried to ignore him.

The music changed to something the trio didn't like so much so they were walking towards our booth when some tall guy walked past them and I could see both Jake and Bella looking after him and he winked at Jake who looked a bit baffled but then grinned. Progress, the stranger wasn't even blonde... Okay, that was a bit of a low blow but at least he wasn't eyeing my Jasper right now?

Speaking of which... I made room for him and he plopped down, grabbing his drink and I realised nobody had said anything about my choice of mineral water with some lime. Good. They better get used to that anyway. Jasper was a bit overactive like he always was while we went out. This time he was more self assured. I loved to see that. He was Jasper now, not the slightly scared guy who I was so used to see. He was having fun. I knew he had been looking at me from the dancefloor, to see what I was doing. Every time he saw me either talking to our friends or looking at him. He was happy, I could tell that. I turned a bit so I could face him and he realised I wanted to say something and turned his attention from the gang who were having a discussion about the music playing in the club.

"I love you." I told him and he took in a slightly trembling breath and then smiled, his dimples so pronounced it made me smile. He leaned to kiss me and my hand on his thigh moved up a bit, making him gasp in to the kiss. "Stop...that..." he said and pulled his head back, his eyes were dancing with fire and sparkles. "I love you too, Edward." he said and then there was some squealing and he rolled his eyes at Bella. "Okay, I'm coming." he said and kissed me once before getting up to go to the dancefloor with Bella, Jake and Alice who was getting in to her partying mode too.

I leaned back and looked at my man. My heart was swelling with pride. Both for him and myself. He was so confident... Nothing about him said that he was thinking about the moment I would be checked out by someone and I would check that person out as well. Nothing about him said that he was insecure about me. I loved to see him like this.

When I looked around, I saw nobody looking at me. I saw every set of eyes looking at him and the rest of our gang on the dancefloor. I could tell some of the guys and quite many of the girls around the club were undressing Jasper with their eyes. I should probably do something about that...but not quite yet. I wanted to watch for now.

**JPOV**

It had been better. Every aspect of our life together. When got back to work it got even better for me personally. I was less tense and more...myself. Like I had been once. Before he cheated on me the first time. I was more carefree and my confidence in me, him, in us just kept growing. We were working towards The Night. The next night when our gang would go out and all eyes would be on Edward, again.

Of course I dreaded it. Who wouldn't in my shoes? But I was slowly growing the confidence I needed to be the man who I wanted to be. Not the insecure Jasper who had lived in fear for years... So when we got ready, I dressed with my mood which was pretty good. I was tense but so was Edward and again, who could blame us? The gang too my mind off things and I was so happy to see him all again. Of course all but Rose had visited us every now and then, that had gone to normal rate too, but not like our group had been. So they all were there tonight and I was so excited.

When we entered the club, Bella and Jake began to scream and I couldn't but squeal with them. One of our favourite songs was playing! We bolted to the dancefloor and began to bounce around it. After a while I remembered what I was supposed to keep an eye on. See, this was already different. I wasn't glancing to where Edward was constantly. I used to do that and now I was pretty much over that. When I finally did search him with my gaze, I could see him either talking to our friends or looking at me. Looking at _just_ me.

Eventually we went to drink some because hell if it got hot on the dancefloor... I sat next to Edward who wrapped his arm around me and I smirked at him, kissing his cheek before getting lost in the conversation. After a while I felt him turn and place his hand on my thigh. I turned to him and his eyes were full of emotion. The three simple words... I wasn't sure if I had ever heard them spoken in such a way. It was a compliment to both of us. I smiled and kissed him and told him I loved him too. And then Bella interrupted our moment.

When we got back to the dancefloor Alice joined us. So she had faith in her brother too? Amazing. At some point Jake leaned in and whispered to my ear. "Nobody is watching Edward anymore...all eyes are on you, Jazz." and he leaned away. I shook my head, chuckling and then I realised he was right. How the hell did that happen? I glanced at Edward who looked amused and I smirked at him. The song changed in to a bit slower rock song and I couldn't help but looking at Edward. Another of the new albums we had been listening non-stop in the last few days. I moved my body to the music, never taking my eyes off him and to my surprise he was mouthing the lyrics to me. I was so totally swooning...

_Somehow I found a way to get lost in you  
Let me inside, let me get close to you  
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to  
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you (in you)_

_The pain of it all  
The rise and the fall  
I see it all in you  
Now everyday  
I find myself say  
"I want to get lost in you"  
I'm nothing without you_

When the song ended and turned in to a proper slow one, he got up from the table and walked to me, just as I saw from the corner of my eye someone else trying to get closer to me too. I saw the earlier guy who had checked Jake out approach him and some random guy was asking Alice to dance with him and she happily obliged. The guy who had been walking towards me saw the possessive way Edward looked at me and stopped. I smiled a bit.

"Being a bit possessive, are we?" I smirked and raised my eyebrow at him. "Well I should be, I truly have the hottest guy in the joint going home with me tonight and everyone here tries to undress him with their eyes..." he grinned and then wrapped his arms around me and kissed me in the toe-curling, making me hard-kind of way. And then we swayed to the music, his mouth close to my ear and he hummed the chorus to me, making me swoon a bit again. "You know how to treat a man, don't you?" I asked him and he chuckled softly before letting go of me and kissing me, getting away from the giddy sister of his who bounced towards us, ready to dance to the faster songs again.

That's how the night progressed. Every now and then we went to drink and Rose came to dance with us and immediately found a few guys who began to try and get her to go home with them. He rejected each and every one. Emmett was going early, he needed to get to his girl and we wished him luck. Alice and the guy that had slow-danced with her were chatting in his table and soon I saw Jake wave to us from the door, he was leaving with the tall brunette who had been hitting on him. I gave him the thumbs up and he smirked in a very adorable way before vanishing with the guy.

An hour later Rose said she was getting tired and left early, promising us we'd do this again soon. And then suddenly, just as I saw Alice vanish with her pick of the evening, I listened the song change again. We were sitting in our booth with Edward and he grinned. It was his favourite song from the new album of my favourite band. "Shall we?" he just asked. I nodded and led him to the dancefloor. Edward wasn't much of a dancer but he did dance for me. It wasn't a slow song but that's how we danced to it, touching and kissing each other. And I sung to his ear the chorus every time and when I looked at him, I could see tears in his eyes. I knew he was different. I know I had changed too. We were more perfect to each other than we had ever been before. What the future held for us I didn't know but nobody could know anyway. Right now, in this moment, we were perfect.

_I want to reconcile the violence in your heart  
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask  
I want to exorcise the demons from your past  
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart..._

_

* * *

  
_

**AN:** I'm leaving the story here as this is where they say it ends for now.

I shall be posting the full playlist I had in mind for The Night to my profile.

I'm going to write two outtakes. I'd really like your suggestions on what you want to read. I was thinking about writing one from Jake's point of view, but how about the other one?

Also, an epilogue might be in order at some point, where do you see the guys going from this all?

Thank you for the reviews, I appreciate every single word I get as feedback. Right now what warms my cold heart the most are the little reviews DarkAbsynthe has left me and of course the lovely words from C-Me-Smile. Thanks ladies. Everyone should totally go check out TwiSlash Unveiled and Perv Pack's Smut Shack. Excellent stuff there. :)

Also, please do check out my recommendations and thanks on my profile. You'll probably like the stories I like if you liked this one. ;)


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